Ok I know this will definetally not be most people's 'cup of tea' in a forum because
of the taboo of it, or because people really like that such a topic is never mentioned in writing, but, I am annoyed and I wonder if someone has a commentary for it.

I like to research my destination by googling, maps, reading forums and by asking on private messaging members of a forum who say publicly they have been on the destination I am heading at.

But sometimes I feel like my initiation of a chat in private, is perceived in a way that I deeply disturbing to me. It happens mainly in hobby related forums, such as this one here.

In here, I have contacted some people to gather their experiences about my destination or other PRACTICAL issues in which I thought they can help with by giving me information.

Most people are ok and respectful but two cases have deeply disturbed me because they seem to hate me or try to harass me.

Case 1: In this forum I made a public thread on an issue I needed info on. A member chooses to contact me privately instead of answering pubicly to my public question. He makes his 'support' way too good to ignore, he writes a huge email in which he explains to me all the details about the technical issue I asked about publicly. I thank him and,naturally as it is, I try to further ask him in private about some areas I did not understand well. He replies to me same day being very helpful and raising my sense of safety in communicating with him. Then I reply and thank him. He replies again saying he can also show me by meeting me, how to use this 'gerat' and that he lives right on the very radwege I will use in my planned trip... So its very hard to deny meeting him since he says he lives near me. I deny politely. Then he says that, I will propably bump onto him anyways, cause this month when I make my travel, he happens to be doing stuff outside in his garden which is by the radwege....

He seems to push that is for a meeting, because he is too close to me, because he helped me so much in private messaging in rad-forum.de, and because he is on the road I will take to my trip, so I just can't say no, if i want to remain polite I must end up meeting him.

Is it not 'abuse' and coercion?

eXCUSE me friends, but I think it is, and I don't feel comfortable that it happenes in this forum that I love so much and I take seriously, and I meet and read so wonderful people and their experiences...

And now case 2, more recent.

Traveller has female sounding nickname and says he goes to the destination I happen to be seasearching for my own trip next summer. I think he is a she, a woman that is, and I send her (him) a message inviting her to online chat or even real meeting face to face because I am total newbie and she seems to be very experienced biker and I really need her advice, especialy if she sometimes travels solo.

He says ''I am no woman'' and then invites me to meet him anyways nevertheless. I deny politely by saying that I don't have to meet him, I will be looking at his blog though where he will shared pics and info from his trip in the country I also want to visit.

He replies that it will take years for him to upload his current trip's photos and advice and that when he comes back he will send me a message here in the forum. And he asked me to remind him for this meeting, in case he forgets it (I bet he added this as a way to see if I would be interested to meet him, so he may be a milder case of coercion that the previous guy, nevertheless, its annoying that he pushes for a meeting)

wtf? Do I have to be IMPOLITE now to tell him that I really, really, REALLY, am not interested to meet him??!?!?! And I did mention that I am only interested from advice from women at this point, as I am a woman, and he seems to conpletely IGNORE this information from me to him. As if he picks what he wants to read, and ignores what does not suit him.


Now today I just said 'I am not going to remind you because I already meet a woman who has been in that country and I don't need info from you, enjoy your travel'.

I wonder if he will reply (again) with some pushy style ignoring my subtle but clear decision NOT to meet this particular guy for tips because, as I alrady said to him, he is not a solo female biker, which is the kind of person I need advice from. I already know guys who travel by bike but I know no woman who does it alone. Its clearly a bit differnet for women, so I would need info and courage and tips from a woman not a man. He completely ignores it.

Thanks and sorry for ''smudging'' the forum with this, but I hope that being honest and speaking up about abusive behaviours in the private messaging space is tolerated. If not, then I am not interested to be part of this forum, feel free to delete me. I do not use this forum or contact bikers in order to get COERCED AND SLIGHTLY HARASSED into meeting with males who don't read well my replies or seem to interpret my messages in ways that only suits them and their aims in contacting women online.

Thank you! Dankeschoen!

This has happened to me several times, in forums and in the real world when i was travelling alone. This is not happening because you're a woman.

Some people have difficulties accepting boundaries, get really clingy once they've trapped you into a conversation, insist on offering you inappropriate gifts or insist on inviting you home even after you have made clear that you don't want to. Of course they always stay nice and friendly and when you get angry they act like it is a big misunderstanding - on your side. There really is no clean way out of this.
It's always a pretty obvious play to con you into something you clearly don't want to do.

I really doubt quitting this forum or the internet is a solution to this problem.
My advice, just let it be and don't reply when you feel harassed.
Or if you really want to engage them, use clear language (there is no point in being polite, when you're being harassed), set clear boundaries and leave the rest to the ignore-button or to the admins.

I totally agree with your assessment. One should never be embarrassed to say a clear "No". This is not impolite, especially if somebody does not understand bloomy phrases.

wish there was a way to hit 'ignore user' but there isn't (yet)

Thanks for the replies :))

There is, it's on the profile pages.

I've never used it. So far i got along very well with simply not reading annoying messages/posts. Which is pretty effective.

What I really wish for is such a button in real life